As the new Director of the reformed Departments of Food Stamps & Medicaid I would like to release the following changes in the application process.
Food stamp system will go back to the old way with coupon books – debit cards.
No cash back, no treats, no beer, just 50-pound bags of rice and beans, blocks of cheese and all the powdered milk you can haul away plus personal hygiene products.
If you want steak and frozen pizza, get a job. If you are found to have sold any of the items you receive from this government program you will automatically be dropped and face criminal charges.
Medicaid – Ladies, we understand everyone can make a mistake – however, after your first illegitimate child you would be required to either have Norplant birth control implants or a tubal ligation – otherwise, no money. If you want to reproduce, find a job.
Recipients in both of these programs will be tested for drugs, alcohol, and nicotine and will be documented for all tattoos and piercings. If you want to use drugs, alcohol, smoke or get tats and piercings, get a job. If you are found to have done any of the preceding you will be dropped from these programs and charged with theft.
If you wish to live in government housing it will be monitored as is military housing and barracks. You will maintain our property in a clean and above average state of repair. Your “home” will be subject to inspections anytime and possessions will be inventoried. If you want a plasma TV or Xbox 360, get a job and your own place.
While receiving housing and/or medical or financial assistance from the government you will report to the government employment office for a “government” job. It may be cleaning the roadways of trash, painting and/or repairing public housing, whatever we find for you to do.
You will be required to sell your gold jewelry,22 inch rims and low profile tires and your blasting stereo with speakers, plasma TV’s and Xbox 360 and use that cash to offset what you would have received from the government.
While on these programs, if you have not graduated from high school you will be required to attend GED classes until you do graduate. Graduating with a D or F is not acceptable – if you are not working you have all the time in the world to study. If you need assistance, say so.
Before you write and complain that our system has somehow violated your rights, realize that all
of the above is voluntary. Before these changes were made you were willingly violating the “rights” of the taxpayers supporting you. If you want our money, you will accept our rules.
Before you imply this would be “demeaning” and ruin your “self esteem,” consider that it wasn’t that long ago that taking someone else’s money for doing absolutely nothing was demeaning and lowered self esteem.
If we are expected to pay for other people’s mistakes we should at least attempt to make them learn from their bad choices. The current system rewards them for continuing to make bad choices.
In addition, while you are on Government subsistence, you no longer be eligible to VOTE! For you to ba allowed to vote would be a conflict of interest. You will voluntarily remove yourself from voting while you are receiving any government assistance. If you want to vote, then get a job.
Finally, this system will apply to all who apply – be they people who have never wanted to work, people who have never worked or have lost their job, wish they had one but have not been able to find one. This will make the system fair for all. Illegal immigrants need not apply – children or no children. We will furnish you free of charge birth control pills to lessen your future burdens. If we question your legality, you must present the proper papers to be included into this system.
Best of luck to you all in finding your new jobs and hopefully you will be able to keep them and not have to depend on the taxpayers of America to support you indefinitely.